Assistant housekeeper and orderlies wanted. Equivalent experience not expected, but references mandatory. Must be of age. Must be able to work long hours in silent conditions. The loquacious need not apply. The physical demands are great, and all employees must pass health screening and drug test. No education necessary. Readers discouraged. Knowledge of CPR, poisons, and proper state approved restraining procedures a required–training available. Psychologists, sociologists, scholars, and followers of Joseph Campbell need not apply. Lack of imagination a plus. Relatives of patients will not be seen. Please note: most state protections and rights do not apply on Asylum grounds. Waivers and contracts mandatory. Employees found violating contract rules are subject to dismissal, arrest, or imprisonment. Pay is competitive. Employment is long term. Apply today! Come be part of the tradition.
I know, I know. A help wanted ad fails to meet basic storytelling standards. But I’m the writer, and I’m calling it a story anyway. It’s story-esque.