a rare photo of the Asylum–believed to be the employee entrance

Help Wanted

Assistant housekeeper and orderlies wanted. Equivalent experience not expected, but references mandatory. Must be of age. Must be able to work long hours in silent conditions. The loquacious need not apply. The physical demands are great, and all employees must pass health screening and drug test. No education necessary. Readers discouraged. Knowledge of CPR, poisons, and proper state approved restraining procedures a required–training available. Psychologists, sociologists, scholars, and followers of Joseph Campbell need not apply. Lack of imagination a plus. Relatives of patients will not be seen. Please note: most state protections and rights do not apply on Asylum grounds. Waivers and contracts mandatory. Employees found violating contract rules are subject to dismissal, arrest, or imprisonment. Pay is competitive. Employment is long term. Apply today! Come be part of the tradition.

*

I know, I know. A help wanted ad fails to meet basic storytelling standards. But I’m the writer, and I’m calling it a story anyway. It’s story-esque.

from a local news report…

Police were called last night to investigate a disturbance at the end of Deep Woods Lane though police spokesperson wouldn’t confirm if the call came from the Asylum. Nearby residents, who requested their names withheld, stated they heard screams soon after the Night Ambulance made its usual late delivery.

The Asylum, citing standard operating procedure, refuses to comment. The police ended all investigations connected to either incident. The police spokesperson assures all residents that the public is not at risk.

Intake Form Notes:

New Inmate resists intake process. Insists on only an axe (gold) to cut her hair. Sedatives administered, but unusually slow to take effect. Still refuses to relinquish hair. When asked for name, says the birds will reveal her name in time. No bird accompanied Inmate although an appropriate cage has been requested from main office as per recent head office edict on emergency preparations.

Waiting on approval for axe.